This is the first gift. Tying up loose ends is the last gift.

About a year ago I started this blog. Two days short of one year. It was a blog for my new life as a single woman.  At the same time I started a list of my online profiles. I knew that I would have to change my name and relationship status when I got my divorce. There was another reason why I made the list and other lists of important information: I am not going to live forever.

My grown children wince when I talk to them about my “Death” folder on my external HDD. When I die I don’t want my sons to have to dig around finding account numbers, user names, passwords, ID numbers, and all that other stuff that’s attached to us as we live in a complex technological and bureaucratic society. I want the process of them putting me to rest as simple as possible.

My mother was recently diagnosed with dementia. My sisters and I can’t even ask her about that information because Mom gets confused, “Why do you need to know that information?” she asks suspiciously. Now we’re going to have to work around Mom’s reluctance to give us important information and documents. Without Mom’s cooperation we will have to dig around her paperwork and try not to get her upset while we prepare for the inevitable.

I don’t want my sons to have to go through this. I want to prepare this mass of information for them while I’m able and still of sound mind. It seems like the polite thing to do.

Some folks think it is morbid to prepare for one’s death. Some folks get nervous, thinking I’m planning on suicide or something. That’s because most people are not comfortable with the fact that we’re all mortal and we will die one day.  I’ve given birth four times and had brushes with death on other occasions. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to live forever. I just don’t want to be a PITA for my sons when I do die.

I want them to say, “Mom really worked hard to prepare this for us. That’s so like her.”

I folded their cloth diapers. I taught them how to tie their shoes. I made countless meals for them. This is one thing I can do as a mother to ease their time of grief when I do die.

I also don’t want to feel like I’ve left loose strings that they will have to tie up for me. At this point in my life I have nothing to leave them for an inheritance, not on a material plane anyway. My legacy to them lies in what I’ve shared with them about spirituality, metaphysics, astrology and good old common sense. There’s no physical property of any value, no equity in real estate, no investments, nothing that rich folks might leave their children. My last gift to my sons will be a very organized folder of documents that give them the information they will need to unravel my ties to the world.

I read numerous news articles about FaceBook and MySpace pages that the survivors could not access after the unexpected death of a family member. Sometimes these pages get hacked and untoward and unkind things are posted. That’s so rude.

It’s also rude to have these sorts of online profiles and not make a list of user names and passwords so the survivors can go and close them down. If they wish they can leave a notice on these social networking websites, e.g., “Mom died and she wanted to tell all of you how much she appreciated your friendship. This account will stay up for a year and then will be taken down.”, or something to that effect.

As I go forward in my new life as a single woman at the age of 60, I’m going to be unsubscribing from online profiles that I don’t use. If I’ve not visited that website or used that service in a year I’m unsubscribing. I want to reduce my electronic foot print bit by bit each year so the task of shutting down online profiles isn’t such a burden on my sons.

I tell my sons, “Growing old is a process of giving up stuff.” I’ve given up indulgences that are harmful to my body. I’ve given up on negative attitudes that are harmful to my spirit. I’ve given up attachments to people whose relationship with me was toxic.

As you age you give up on some wishes you had when you were young. I had wished I could go to Paris, France.  My third born son, Tosh, said, “Mom you still have time to go to Paris.” Well, if I do get to go then that’s fine. I don’t want to be burdened with a wish that hasn’t yet come true.  I don’t burden my spirit with regret “Oh dang, I never did get to go to Paris.” I just let go of the wish to go.

Expectations are like wishes and they need to be pruned as well. Unmet expectations lead to disappointment. Often we don’t realize what sort of expectations we carry around with us, which burden us with them not being met.

I see people getting upset because they had expectations based on their economic standing in society: pay for that house, send kids to college, or have a comfortable retirement. A lot of those expectations are not going to be met because of the recession.

My feeling is, let go of those expectations that aren’t going to be met. I know I’m not going to spend a year in every state in America. I won’t live to be 110 years old.  I let that unspoken wish go.

I had expectations about how my last marriage was going to turn out. That expectation was burdened with a lot of “riders” like a bill going through Congress. Riders like: being financially secure at least until I reach Social Security retirement age; not having to hustle to survive in my old age; knowing that I was loved and appreciated for the things I did during the marriage.

I had to let all of that go in one felled swoop. The trick is to really let it go and not indulge in regret, recrimination, self diminishment and self doubt. All that stuff is toxic to the spirit.

Once you let go of expectations that are obviously not going to be met there is a feeling of being liberated. There is a weight that is taken off of your heart, mind, and soul. Those unmet expectations are like hooks in your emotional heart, trailing a long rope, dragging disappointment, frustration, and anger at the end of that rope.

Let it go.

Accepting “what is” rather than being sad about “what isn’t going to be” is a spiritual task we all face as we age, as our economic circumstances change for the worse, as we downsize our lives, as we find ourselves facing old age without a loving partner.

When you accept things as they are, not looking back over your shoulder like Lot’s wife – getting salty, then you can start making plans for going forward with what you do have in your life. Do you have family and friends? Do you have faith that what does not kill you makes you stronger? Do you believe that you have a purpose in this life to do some good before you check out? These are the questions I’m asking myself as I prepare my “Death” folder, making the life of my sons easier when I do check out of this mortal coil.

I do have family and friends who I love and who love me.

I do have faith that God has a plan for me and all the difficulties in my life are in preparation for that task.

I have a purpose in my life, many of them in fact, and one of them is to share what I have come to understand with the world (my blog readers) before I am unable to do so.

This is one of those sharing moments.

Boomers, be kind to your family, offspring, and friends and prepare your paperwork, organize a list of your online profiles, tie up loose ends, while you are able to and are still of sound mind. Then you can go on with the rest of your life knowing that even after you die, you did a good thing.

Everyone else, if your expectations are not being met, think about letting some of those expectations go. Recognize those expectations that are dragging you down and making you sad and cut them loose. Create new goals with a fresh perspective of what you can do with what you have. Downsizing and living a more simple life are things we all have to come to terms with in a world of finite resources.

Lastly, whoever you have in your life like family and friends, embrace them. Tell them you love them. Accept their love with an open heart. Everything else around us that we busy ourselves with is of less value than their love and acceptance.