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An update on thoughts of death and grief and lack of closure
Friday, September 27, 2002 1:07 PM
Doro's Ramble (Was :( sad me)
That's the ramble but it's limited and written a year ago. This is the
brain massage update...
Let's condense the exchange between you and this woman who crossed
over to the smallest sound bites.
She got angry. She lashed out. You were a target. You took it
personally instead of seriously. Now she died. You don't have closure.
First brain massage... who is to say that if she lived longer you
could have made her any happier than she could herself? There was not
closure written in this script between you and her. That's just a
statement of fact. Now we must sort this out so you can find your
center again, ready? Ok...off I go...
We have to remind ourselves when folks act out that anger is a mask
for fear, pain and shame. Sounds like this woman had enough of all
that and you were in her line of sight.
Your trip to Utah was a sign of Faith. You and your family went on
that trip because you are holding Faith in your heart that there's
possibility of cure or containment of your son's condition. He has a
future and all your work to raise money to get the whole family to the
medical convention was proactive.
When one is faced with chronic medical conditions like with your son
and with this woman there's two ways of dealing with it. One can have
Faith and be proactive in treating or living with the condition, or
one can get angry.
Your Faith in some good coming from the trip might have triggered her
realization that she didn't have that Faith. She didn't have some
philosophical safety net to wish you and your family well, hope for a
future for your young son. If one doesn't have this philosophical
safety net then one could feel having a painful, debilitating and
chronic disease is unfair.
Life is only as fair as we make it. Life in an of itself is without
morals, without intrinsic value, we put those things on our lives.
Nature follows its path. Virus and bacteria do their job. It's not a
matter of fair. It's just a fact what Nature does.
Remember how expectations when unmet lead to disappointment? How when
we are disappointed we need to follow it to an often unspoken
expectation? Let go of that expectation and often one can let go of
disappointment. You must let go of your unspoken expectations that she
would live long enough for things to be nice between you two. She died
when you weren't finished loving her yet. She pushed you away when you
came with good intention. You need to let go of the expectation of
positive response from her for she is now crossed over. Take that good
intent and love and give it to your closest and dearest around you.
That's what we all have to do when folks die before we're done with
We have to examine what her expectations were that were not met which
lead her to disappointment that lead to anger. The expectation of
normal health is not unreasonable. One can't divorce themselves from
wanting to be pain free. There's the expectation of having a normal
sex life. There's the expectation of energy to do the day to day
things. There's the expectation of having extra energy for visitors,
holidays, and social demands. All these expectation were being unmet,
leading to an incremental pile up of disappointment.
When the pile gets high folks rebel. That's how unjust Kings get
toppled, a pile up of unmet expectations leads to revolution.
These are pieces in the puzzle. Now there's another piece which is
often overlooked when dealing with people with an intestinal diseases.
They are running on nutritional empty. They are often undernourished
no matter what they eat for there's malabsorption when the intestines
are scarred. Besides the pain, besides the sidelining of any sexual
life, besides the frustration of not having the energy to do the day
to day things, the person is running on nutritional empty, further
depleting the will to have a happy outlook.
Those who can go through a medical condition like this with Faith had
their Faith in place ahead of time, most likely. We cannot change some
things in our life, we can only change how we look at it. Like facing
one's own death. One can fear it like Picasso, refusing to write a
will, refusing to slow down in the vain attempt of running away from
it. Or one can keep Faith in their heart that when they cross over
they join their loved ones on the other side. They can graduate to a
level where they might be able to help the living more than they could
while being alive themselves. I choose the second point of view. But
my Faith has been set in place at an early age and has been my rock of
ages to cling on to during troubled times. "In my hand no gift I
bring, only to thy cross I cling." remember that verse from Rock of
Ages? I love it and I'm not even Christian.
Ok, another piece of the puzzle. The hippocampus, the part of the
brain that deals with memory. It changes shape in the brain after life
traumas, for the brain is not static, like a rock. We carves grooves
in our brain by repeating certain thoughts. It has been seen in the
hippocampus of Vietnam Vets, who have post traumatic shock, that the
shape is changed, dramatically. The memory center is deeply grooved
and distorted. That's why these Vets can remember most vividly their
time in Vietnam, but they can't recall what they had for lunch the day
What we choose to think, over and over, digs grooves in our
hippocampus. If one continues to pick old emotional wounds to see if
they still hurt, the scar becomes deeper, the wound never heals. The
groove is dug in deeper in the brain with each review, allowing the
mind to wander over this sad landscape easily when one is low on
emotional and spiritual energy.
Do you know why I don't allow self diminishment here on this list? Why
I say over and over that there are no dummy questions? Why I suggest
to folks to relax, to chill, to trust their own desires, to fulfill
their own dreams and express themselves and not to worry about what
other people say or think about our art? Do you know why I praise
those who are doing good works, and take aside those who are
struggling in public and have one to one chats with them to sort stuff
out? Do you know why I promote our praying for each other?
I'm concerned with all y'all's hippocampus. I want the grooves to be
dug deeply in the brain but the grooves are for looking on a bright
side, to be loving and nurturing, to say oh well and dust oneself off
and moving forward, for praying for the salvation of those who have
hurt us. If we do this brain massage regularly, it becomes a part of
us. Shakespeare said, "Assume a virtue, even if you have it not." If
you do it becomes a part of you. That's why folks can reform, can Save
themselves, but it takes brain massage. It takes over powering all
those old bad habits of thinking and replacing them with a
philosophical safety net.
Who are we saving with this brain massage? Ourselves, our peace of
mind and center. I don't think it matters much what one believes in
metaphysically, the activity of belief, that act of Faith, that's the
important thing, that's the finger of God pushing the groove in our
brain to live in a state of grace.
Dorothy, pray for your friend, know that she is no longer in pain, no
longer tired all the time. Believe that she realizes many things now
on the other side because she's free from the mortal coil that caused
her so much disappointment, so much so it caused her to lash out at a
friend. Now it's time for your spiritual work. Forgive anything she
may have said in a state of mind that was clouded by pain, frustration
and disappointment. Forgive her for you know that you're a good
person. You didn't do anything to her other than live your life with
the Faith that perhaps she envied. We forget the 10th Commandment
against coveting. Some folks covet our Faith, find it something to
target as stupid, to protect their ego involvement with their lack of
Faith. But that's a whole different ramble.
It's not our job to take on the negativity others throw our way, it's
our job to be Artful Dodgers, dodge that negative barb and forgive
those who have hurt us. They are the more miserable living in their
mind space than we are living with Faith. That's the pity.
There, I think that's all I can think of on this, was that ok?
I love you, now, you love you too, enough to let this go. Go to
Church, light a candle, say a prayer, do a memorial, hug the kids, pet
the animals and kiss your husband and move forward, striving to live
in a state of grace.
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