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Ramble
Index and
An update on thoughts of death and grief and lack of closure |
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Friday, September
27, 2002 1:07 PM
Doro's Ramble (Was :( sad me)
That's the ramble but it's limited and written a year ago. This is the brain massage update... Let's condense the exchange between you and this woman who crossed over to the smallest sound bites. She got angry. She lashed out. You were a target. You took it personally instead of seriously. Now she died. You don't have closure. First brain massage... who is to say that if she lived longer you could have made her any happier than she could herself? There was not closure written in this script between you and her. That's just a statement of fact. Now we must sort this out so you can find your center again, ready? Ok...off I go... We have to remind ourselves when folks act out that anger is a mask for fear, pain and shame. Sounds like this woman had enough of all that and you were in her line of sight. Your trip to Utah was a sign of Faith. You and your family went on that trip because you are holding Faith in your heart that there's possibility of cure or containment of your son's condition. He has a future and all your work to raise money to get the whole family to the medical convention was proactive. When one is faced with chronic medical conditions like with your son and with this woman there's two ways of dealing with it. One can have Faith and be proactive in treating or living with the condition, or one can get angry. Your Faith in some good coming from the trip might have triggered her realization that she didn't have that Faith. She didn't have some philosophical safety net to wish you and your family well, hope for a future for your young son. If one doesn't have this philosophical safety net then one could feel having a painful, debilitating and chronic disease is unfair. Life is only as fair as we make it. Life in an of itself is without morals, without intrinsic value, we put those things on our lives. Nature follows its path. Virus and bacteria do their job. It's not a matter of fair. It's just a fact what Nature does. Remember how expectations when unmet lead to disappointment? How when we are disappointed we need to follow it to an often unspoken expectation? Let go of that expectation and often one can let go of disappointment. You must let go of your unspoken expectations that she would live long enough for things to be nice between you two. She died when you weren't finished loving her yet. She pushed you away when you came with good intention. You need to let go of the expectation of positive response from her for she is now crossed over. Take that good intent and love and give it to your closest and dearest around you. That's what we all have to do when folks die before we're done with them. We have to examine what her expectations were that were not met which lead her to disappointment that lead to anger. The expectation of normal health is not unreasonable. One can't divorce themselves from wanting to be pain free. There's the expectation of having a normal sex life. There's the expectation of energy to do the day to day things. There's the expectation of having extra energy for visitors, holidays, and social demands. All these expectation were being unmet, leading to an incremental pile up of disappointment. When the pile gets high folks rebel. That's how unjust Kings get toppled, a pile up of unmet expectations leads to revolution. These are pieces in the puzzle. Now there's another piece which is often overlooked when dealing with people with an intestinal diseases. They are running on nutritional empty. They are often undernourished no matter what they eat for there's malabsorption when the intestines are scarred. Besides the pain, besides the sidelining of any sexual life, besides the frustration of not having the energy to do the day to day things, the person is running on nutritional empty, further depleting the will to have a happy outlook. Those who can go through a medical condition like this with Faith had their Faith in place ahead of time, most likely. We cannot change some things in our life, we can only change how we look at it. Like facing one's own death. One can fear it like Picasso, refusing to write a will, refusing to slow down in the vain attempt of running away from it. Or one can keep Faith in their heart that when they cross over they join their loved ones on the other side. They can graduate to a level where they might be able to help the living more than they could while being alive themselves. I choose the second point of view. But my Faith has been set in place at an early age and has been my rock of ages to cling on to during troubled times. "In my hand no gift I bring, only to thy cross I cling." remember that verse from Rock of Ages? I love it and I'm not even Christian. Ok, another piece of the puzzle. The hippocampus, the part of the brain that deals with memory. It changes shape in the brain after life traumas, for the brain is not static, like a rock. We carves grooves in our brain by repeating certain thoughts. It has been seen in the hippocampus of Vietnam Vets, who have post traumatic shock, that the shape is changed, dramatically. The memory center is deeply grooved and distorted. That's why these Vets can remember most vividly their time in Vietnam, but they can't recall what they had for lunch the day before. What we choose to think, over and over, digs grooves in our hippocampus. If one continues to pick old emotional wounds to see if they still hurt, the scar becomes deeper, the wound never heals. The groove is dug in deeper in the brain with each review, allowing the mind to wander over this sad landscape easily when one is low on emotional and spiritual energy. Do you know why I don't allow self diminishment here on this list? Why I say over and over that there are no dummy questions? Why I suggest to folks to relax, to chill, to trust their own desires, to fulfill their own dreams and express themselves and not to worry about what other people say or think about our art? Do you know why I praise those who are doing good works, and take aside those who are struggling in public and have one to one chats with them to sort stuff out? Do you know why I promote our praying for each other? I'm concerned with all y'all's hippocampus. I want the grooves to be dug deeply in the brain but the grooves are for looking on a bright side, to be loving and nurturing, to say oh well and dust oneself off and moving forward, for praying for the salvation of those who have hurt us. If we do this brain massage regularly, it becomes a part of us. Shakespeare said, "Assume a virtue, even if you have it not." If you do it becomes a part of you. That's why folks can reform, can Save themselves, but it takes brain massage. It takes over powering all those old bad habits of thinking and replacing them with a philosophical safety net. Who are we saving with this brain massage? Ourselves, our peace of mind and center. I don't think it matters much what one believes in metaphysically, the activity of belief, that act of Faith, that's the important thing, that's the finger of God pushing the groove in our brain to live in a state of grace. Dorothy, pray for your friend, know that she is no longer in pain, no longer tired all the time. Believe that she realizes many things now on the other side because she's free from the mortal coil that caused her so much disappointment, so much so it caused her to lash out at a friend. Now it's time for your spiritual work. Forgive anything she may have said in a state of mind that was clouded by pain, frustration and disappointment. Forgive her for you know that you're a good person. You didn't do anything to her other than live your life with the Faith that perhaps she envied. We forget the 10th Commandment against coveting. Some folks covet our Faith, find it something to target as stupid, to protect their ego involvement with their lack of Faith. But that's a whole different ramble. It's not our job to take on the negativity others throw our way, it's our job to be Artful Dodgers, dodge that negative barb and forgive those who have hurt us. They are the more miserable living in their mind space than we are living with Faith. That's the pity. There, I think that's all I can think of on this, was that ok? I love you, now, you love you too, enough to let this go. Go to Church, light a candle, say a prayer, do a memorial, hug the kids, pet the animals and kiss your husband and move forward, striving to live in a state of grace. xoxo NJ |
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