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Ramble Index 12-13-11: Memorial

Thoughts on death and what to do with grief. 

Sent: Friday, April 06, 2001 11:51 AM

Oh Melani...
Serious illnesses and death are so hard... and so many lately...
I believe that death is a release from pain and suffering, and that there is something more wonderful on the other side.
May I Amen this?
Death is hard on the survivors. Those who have passed are no longer in pain, no longer held hostage by a mortal coil that gave out.
There are really only two things to address when someone passes. Did ya love them or did you not?
If you did love them then turn that love into the self. If they thought you were talented, then believe it. If they thought you had potential, don't let them down and just go for IT, what ever that IT happens to be. If they thought you'd be successful one day, incorporate that belief into your own heart and be brave even when support is on "the other side". If they were kind to you, be kind to others, in their memory. If they protected you, extend your support to others who now need you. Then those who you love who've died will always be with you, in your heart, in your memories, in your actions with the rest of the living you're in contact with.
If you didn't love them, but love someone who does, as is in your case there Melani. Then give the above advice to your darling. When parents die the grown children often feel like they've been promoted to a position in line that they didn't want to deal with. Like, "gad, I'm next in line." Ya, maybe, if we're lucky to live a long life and that's not guaranteed.
When times are normal children bury their parents. When times are not normal parents bury their children. The father passing and the daughter going to make "closure" is a normal part of life. Birth, death and all the stuff in between are part of the natural process. Because of modern society both birth and death have been removed from the family, from the home. That's why the boomers took back birthing with natural childbirth in homes.
It's time to take back the business of dying and bring it back home too. That's what we did for JaJa. The strangers, machines, noises, bad food and lack of loved ones did not make for a quality remaining time for JaJa's life in a hospital. What little he had left with us we wanted him to spend at home, with us, laughing weakly at our attempts at gallows humor. There was time for the last "I love you"s. There was time to say "I'm sorry for..." There was time for him to tell us what he wished in his heart of hearts for us. We had time to weep in private. I'm a big proponent of bringing the terminally ill home, let them pass in peace. Let the family wash the body and dress it, give the last kiss good bye. Believe me when I tell you it helped in the grief, this tender good bye process.
Now, when someone dies and they were pain in your ass. Time to let all that anger go. Time to forgive and move on. They can't hurt you any more. Wish them luck the next lifetime around, but don't muddy up the spiritual waters in your current incarnation with harboring ill will. It'll just bum your high and will keep you from a lot of positive energy just waiting to be exploited.
So be strong, Melani, it's a natural part of the life process. It's a rite of passage we all go through sooner or later. If nothing else, when people die, it makes me appreciate the time that I do have to enjoy all there is in life to enjoy. We're told that what we don't enjoy here in this life, we won't have in Paradise. I want to see strawberries, mangos, flowers and puppies in Paradise. So I'm intent on enjoying them while I still can.
That's my 2 yen coins on this topic.

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